1 year, 3 days

Hey everyone,

What a year!  A year of transitions all around.  Every day I look more like myself.

First picture: October 2015. Second picture: October 2016

Slideshow of my new emerging facial hair:

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I can’t upload my first voice video but I just did this snippet this morning.  I have a video being put together of my vocal changes that I will upload in the future.

 

This last weekend I went back to my old stomping grounds of MSUM to present a colloquium about my life.  I was honored and humbled to be given space to share a very vulnerable part of my experience.

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I had a nice visit in Moorhead. I stayed one night at my WGS Professor’s house, and then the rest of the weekend at a friends.  I stayed the weekend because on Monday I had an appointment with my Endocrinologist–I can now get the letter to officially change my sex marker on my documents.  I plan on doing so, but I feel a little uncomfortable about it at the same time.  The reason why is because I don’t want a part of myself erased.  For a lot of transmen, this isn’t a problem for them and that’s fine,(because they’re men and that’s how they identify) but for me it’s a bit different.  Probably because I see myself more as two-spirit.

I went to the zoo in Fargo for the last day of Wolf Awareness Week.  For the past year wolves have been a reoccurring motif.  I see them everywhere.  Whether it’s in my newsfeeds on social media, on t-shirts, on signs, dogs that look like wolves, in songs….I feel deeply connected to them lately.  I see it as a synchronicity and I read up on the symbolism of wolves.  I like things like this because it keeps my life interesting.  At the zoo, the pack saw me and wandered over towards me making eye-contact. I got chills. I felt really happy seeing them.  They were very active that afternoon. Beautiful grey wolves!

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I also met a bull snake named “Jesse.”  I thought that was a hoot.

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I ‘pass’ 100% of the time now.  My interactions with men and women have completely changed.  When I am at work (when I sub teach)  or out and about…..women just like to touch me.  Women are very smiley at me and they just tend to touch my arm or shoulders or back or chest  whenever interacting with me.  That’s never happened before.  My interactions with men have changed, too.  I minored in Womens and Gender Studies in college, and much of my scholarly and intellectual interests in that pertained to masculinities—so some interaction changes were some I expected—but there were certain nuances that took me by surprise.  Men tend to either be indifferent to me, or they scowl/glare/are suspicious of me.  Granted, I am rather peculiar looking compared to the cowboy-farmer aesthetic of the town I live in, so there’s that I guess.  And from what my cismale friends have said, that’s just how it is—and to me, that’s really kinda shitty—always sizing each other up, always having to peacock….always needing to defend their fragile masculinity and having a very confining and limiting box on ‘what it means to be a man’—for me? Nah. I’m just myself and have no need for validation from that kind of masculine performance.  (Here is also an article by the TransAdvocate interviewing Butler and how her work has been misconstrued to support anti-trans theories and rhetoric, so I wanted to share this as well.) I am a liberated feminist man and I’m not ashamed of that.  My identity is not threatened by anyone nor do I need an ‘other’ in order to affirm myself as a man (putting down women, homophobia, transphobia, etc). I do not need to display unhealthy detrimental behaviors to be seen and accepted as what a ‘man’ is in this society—I’m all about transgressing and subverting that—I am free to define myself without the harm of others or  myself. My journey through transition is also part of transcending from just fitting in the man-box—my journey through this transition is to finally feel like a fully self-actualized and self-aware human being—physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually.

Speaking of spiritually….I’ve been doing meditation and some pagan practices.  I made a make-shift alter and take time in the evenings to burn sage, light candles, and say some positive affirmations.  I also really like crystals because of the sensory experience of holding them really helps my mindful practice(and keeps me from anxiously thinking of other things).  I’ve been so drawn to this deity, Cernnunos the Horned God.  I’m taking my rituals and readings through a queer/transgender lens and am researching more into androgynous gods/goddesses and transgender gods/goddessses. Pretty fascinating stuff.

It makes sense that I would feel drawn to this masculine symbol as I am coming aware of my own presence as a masculine entity.  I’m exploring all the ways in which masculinity can be expressed in non-damaging ways and instead in more empowering/balancing ways.  I’m learning to embrace my sexuality and spirituality again—-both of which had been dead for over 5 years and have re-awakened.  It feels incredible to actually feel so alive and present.

On Saturday, I drew this card during my meditation. I’m pretty excited about it:

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Every tarot deck is different with different kinds of symbolism to interpret and so I took some pictures of the books that go with my particular deck.  I really enjoy tarot. It’s like a pocket therapist.  I don’t believe it can read my future or give me answers or anything, but it makes me ask myself questions and self reflect. It’s a great meditation tool.

 

I’ve felt inspired creatively and have started making art again.  I made this for my significant other:

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I really like woodburning. It’s so soothing.  I free-handed this.

I also made a pendulum for meditation.

I also made some digital art:

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Because of this kind of deity work I decided to go on a philosophical camping retreat this weekend—I’m really looking forward to unplugging and being out in nature–to see the stars and smell bonfire smoke on a new-moon autumn night. I am seeing this as my own private initiation into my emerging self.

On another note, I know I said in previous posts that I am studying for my GRE and will be applying to graduate schools.  I decided that due to my financial situation that it would be best to wait a year to save up some money and maybe even look into artist-in-residence options for more experience.  I do still want to go to graduate school, but I need time to get my ducks in a row.

In closing, I want to add that my issues with bipolar disorder now have been so much more manageable. I would describe it as almost being in complete remission–but I’m still vigilant on my mood swings. They are few and far between.   I honestly didn’t realize how much my dysphoria was triggering constant episodes.  Now that I don’t have to use all my energy to constantly cope with a depressive or manic episode…..I can actually go on to do other things and actually start truly living an authentic and present life. If I could go back and do anything over, it would be starting T sooner.  I feel so ‘home’ in myself now.

I’m exciting for what changes lie ahead in the next week, next month, and next year!

Happy Halloween!

Jessy Ravn Thor

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11 Months, 6 days

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September 22nd, 2016

Hello everyone,

Happy Autumn!

Things have been looking up for me this last month—new job, an upcoming conference and colloquium in the next couple weeks, and new changes!

My voice has dropped like two octaves.  I feel like Peter Brady from the Brady Bunch. It cracks every once and awhile, but it feels as though I’m hearing myself for the first time.  It’s like a sigh of relief—here is my voice. The voice I’ve always had inside me.  The voice I’ve always used.  My inner voice finally being reflected on the tangible, outside world.  The same vocal chords that expressed a womanly voice now grown into the next phase of my life–I will never erase that past of mine.  This month I have also not experienced my goddess moon cycle, so I do believe that that part of my life has fully transitioned.

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Facial hair is starting to turn from the light vellus into terminal dark hairs!  I haven’t shaved yet, but I plan to next month on my one-year anniversary.  I have been using generic Rogaine on my face intently twice a day.  After four hours from applying I put on jojoba oil mixed with peppermint essential oil to stimulate growth.  I’m in a facebook group page called The Minox Beard Spot, and it’s a very open community of beard enthusiasts who are using the ‘juice’ to grow a beard.  A pleasant surprise is the amount of transmen in the group, and how supportive everyone is in our transition–no transphobia at all–just comradry on our journys towards bearded glory.

 

I went to my very first powwow this year.  I’ve always shied away but  I felt a strong need to go.  It was the most surreal and healing experience, because I was seen and accepted as a native man there. I was asked, “What tribe you from?” and I told my story and ate my first Indian taco. All of this has re-awakened my quest to enroll in my tribe, and I know that will entail finding my biological father and needing a paternity test. (He is not on the original birth certificate.) But the time feels very right.As an adoptee….being around the heritage that was denied or taken from me….was the most healing thing that my many years of going to a therapist couldn’t even do. I mean, I feel less ‘crazy’ and no longer feel so alien. I felt a sense of “home” or at least a direction of where I’m going now.

 

The term Splitfeather  refers to “adult Indians, who were expatriated (adoptees, fosterees) from their homes and cultures as children and placed in non-Indian homes.” I read up about it two years ago, and Splitfeather Syndrome makes a lot of sense to me–it coincides with adoption trauma and is something that I am trying very hard to understand and heal from.  Going to the Powwow and being “seen” as a visible native man…..it was like everything just clicked.

I also went to a few demonstrations and sent donations and support to Sacred Stone Camp  (if anyone wants to donate, more information at the link!) .

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I really love the Fall Season—The neighbor next door has given us a steady supply of tomatoes and cucumbers. I’m so excited to cook more squash and soups!

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I started Sub Teaching and things have been going okay for the most part.  I really enjoy going to a different school each time and being able to set my own schedule–I get to choose which jobs to take, etc.

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I’ve been feeling more and more confident.  It feels so good to actually be present and embodied—and even liking the way I look.  I love Masculine Fashion. I’m really getting into setting a distinct style for myself.

The best part is that I actually PASS now. The teachers and admins all see me as a man. I go by my first name in class because I don’t really like the authoritative vibe that comes with Mr.

Although, yesterday while subbing something really unsettling happened.  I had played this scenario in my head over and over before, so I was expecting this to happen eventually.  I also handled it very well, considering.  One student (basically the whole class) asked me if I was a guy or a girl.  I made light of it of course to ease the awkwardness and discomfort as best as I good, but I got really shook up about it.  I mean, in my head I was not freaking out, neither were my emotions going haywire–but my body reacted in fight-or-flight mode and the biggest knot formed in my stomach and has been there ever since.  A huge manifestation of my anxiety and C-PTSD is stomach pain—it’s all knotted up and burns with awful acid feelings.  (When I was in 4th or 6th grade, I was asked that question all the time, it was horrible, i was relentlessly bullied, this instance reminded me of that.) On the drive home after school, flashes of the movie Boys Don’t Cry started playing in my head—the place where I live is not the most open-minded or understanding, and if outed I could lose my job or be assaulted or worse.  That’s a very real thing for me to be aware of.  It’s one of the hardest things about living here along with no transgender community.

I have also applied for a position at the local cable access place and I deeply hope to get that part-time job so I can have a stable income.  Subbing is really sporadic–it pays well but it all depends on if you get a sub job or not, and you only get paid once a month. Fingers crossed I get this job too.

GRE studying has burnt me out but I’m still pushing on as best as I can.

I have been making it a priority to enjoy the Autumn weather by taking nice strolls in the evenings.

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A walk in the twilight

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Kaia, Me, and Duke

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Transitioning Seasons

 

Next month will be my one-year re-birthday!  Looking forward to writing some reflections about that.

Happy Fall everyone.

 

-RavnThor

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Month 10, 2wks

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August 22nd, 2016

Hey everyone,

Things have gotten slightly better since my last post, and I’ve been experiencing more changes!

My voice totally dropped! After my appointment in the Twin Cities a few weeks ago we increased my dose and now I’m finally seeing new things. It’s really, really refreshing because I’ve been feeling so stagnant all summer.

I spent a week down at my Auntie Caroles to re-charge, and had a nice time with her and the many cat companions she has.

 

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Me and PipSqueak

After that I went back to Fargo-Moorhead to see my college friends and go to Fargo-Moorhead Pride 2016.  It felt really wonderful to see my friends and actually “be seen” or “visible” as a transgender man.  I’m very proud that I marched in the parade alongside my Trans Brothers.

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I’m part of an online transmen group on social media that’s a small support group for guys like me, and it was really cool to meet them all in person. I felt so accepted.  After college, I had hit a really bad post-academia depression and believed I was no longer part of the Fargo-Moorhead community. My visit last month showed me the opposite and that I still am part of it. I intend to visit monthly. My women’s studies professor even invited me to do a colloquium about growing up Trans-gender in Rural NoDak, so I’ll be doing that in October.

My depressive episode cost me my job. My position got terminated one month ago because I was failing to maintain productivity and a good attitude.  I used to be able to hide my depression better and at least be functional–but it was just too much and has been impacting my relationship as well.

I had a falling out a few times with my Significant Other(my depression just makes everything worse.), and I stayed at my Moms for a couple nights–which was a big mistake.  My mom pulled numerous guilt trips on me, and informed me that her and my father are “grieving the loss of their daughter,” and that they “failed me” along with my other sibling and cousin(whom they raised as well).  That was incredibly hurtful and detrimental to my mental well-being.  (How could they say they ‘failed me’ when I graduated Magna Cum Laude, have won awards for my films, and am a published writer of many articles and poetry? It’s not my fault I have bipolar disorder. It’s not my fault I’ve dealt with trauma throughout my life, it’s nothing to be ashamed of to be a quarter native, and it’s not my fault I’m transgender. What IS my “fault” is how I held myself accountable and took the steps I needed to heal and learn about what I can do to better cope—and by doing so I’ve succeeded in many things despite all the many challenges I have. Yet, “they failed me.”) And while I understand that people will deal with my transition and feel their own feelings about it, I do not need to tolerate being shamed or made to feel guilty  for finally starting to really live a life I never thought possible, and actually be happy.  I’m maintaining healthy boundaries for the most part, but it’s still excruciatingly hard.
(The intersections that I deal with my parents are ableism(they think they did something ‘wrong’ to ’cause’ my illnesses, and that my illnesses mean they’ve failed me), racism(I deal with a lot of “i’m not racist but…” and also having my native identity almost completely erased from my upbringing and hearing oppressive things toward native communities), and willful ignorance. I’ve tried talking to them about my life in a way they would understand, but they don’t listen or are even interested.  I’ve given them links to resources to read about bipolar disorder, cptsd, adoption trauma, racism, etc, but they won’t read. When I told my mom that, she said that she didn’t have to read about any of that because she’s “living it” by having to “deal with” my “shit.”)  It is a very toxic situation and I’m beyond frustrated.  I’m 28 years old, and I don’t know how to find out my credit score or rating, I don’t know how to pay bills, I don’t know how to budget, I don’t know how to be a functional working adult–and in that way, then yes, my parents “failed me” in that they never, EVER, taught me to be independent, but rather have made me constantly dependent on them. This is changing, and the more I assert my independence, the more resistance I deal with from them. It’s a very toxic, codependent mess, and because I’m struggling so hard financially I have to maintain ties–Ideally, I need a break. And while I am grateful for the financial help, it is often used as a tool of power over me.

Losing my job was very hard on me. Despite the fact that I really didn’t want to be there, I didn’t think it would impact my mental health as much as it did. It was very difficult after having completed college only to be paid less for physical labor.It’s really hard to be ‘happy’ when I was making less than 600 dollars a month, all of which went to food, gas, trips to the cities for trans health care, medical bills, and testosterone–with none left for me to save at all.

However, losing my job has a silver-lining.  I put together my Film Reel and I finished my CV. I also sent in my application as a pop culture critic fellowship at Bitch Media (I will hear back sometime in December), and I began to study for 6-8 hours a day for the GRE:

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My score starting out is WAY below average. However, after a week and a half it has improved. In more time, I should hopefully achieve a competitive score! I plan to take this test in October.

I’m going to be applying to grad school here: http://rtf.utexas.edu/graduate/ma-media-studies and a couple other schools. I am really hoping to get into this program, though.

I’ve also finally gotten around to getting my name changed on my drivers license and bank card : wp-1473022174733.jpg

It was very anxiety-inducing to do so. When I went to the DMV with the documents the woman at the counter was all, “Oh, marriage name change, got it….” then she looked at my document and her sunny demeaner changed into really uncomfortable.  She still remained polite to me though. When I was asked by her and my bank about “why the name change,” I simply just said, “I just wanted to change my name,” and I left it at that. My instincts told me to say that and to not say, “Oh, because I’m a transman,”  because here in Bismarck, North Dakota, that isn’t the safest thing—plus I still am not quite passing yet, and the gender marker on my ID is still F.

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After spending 100+ dollars, I finally received my Substitute Teaching License!

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I’m still waiting to hear back about my application status so I can start subbing as soon as possible and make money for myself.

While I was in Fargo, I realized how much of a community of brothers close to me really helps my dysphoria and emotional well-being.  To be honest, I have very little support here in Bismarck. My partner can only handle so much (and it’s probably better for both us  if I move out. I may do that as soon as I have the money–still be together, but not live together.)

I made a ‘secret’ group on facebook and emailed around–hopefully I’ll meet some people here in Bismarck-Mandan.
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My use of Rogaine on my face is starting to show….a little bit anyway:
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I’m also gearing up to try and make it to the Midwest Pop Culture Conference in Chicago this coming October.  I submitted my abstract under the impression that my school would fund me as an Alum to go–but since graduation, that did not fall through and I was already accepted to go to the conference. I’m raising money, and my parents are helping me with a round trip train ticket, and my Women’s Studies professor and a few other friends and asking around to their Chicago friends to find me a place to stay. I really hope this happens, because they put me as the Panel Chair in the Masculinities in Popular Culture presentations, and it’s such an honor to go. I really hope I will be able to go.  I’m currently waiting to hear back from the Executive chair to find out more options. Fingers crossed, and if you are moved to help me, you can find out more details here: https://www.gofundme.com/23n59ss My sincerest and deepest thanks.

Despite all of the stresses that is going on around me and so many crossroads to choose from I still remain hopeful and resilient that everything will work out the way that it is supposed to. Hope and courage are some of the things I’m cultivating more of.

Talk to you all next month!

RavnThor

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9 Months, 5 days

Hey Friends,

I’m in my 9th month of Testosterone in total!  Two months on injections.  The shots are getting easier to do.

First picture is of me at 8 Months and the Second one is at 9 Months.

Body Hair Report

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Fuzzy Wuzzy wasn’t really fuzzy, was he?  The tide has shifted! I feel more like a fuzzy wolf.

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Some very fine hair is starting to come in. I have a bunch of vellus hair all over(which is the light peach fuzz most people have) but a few dark hairs coming in.  I am hoping to have a bit of a mustache soon.

I’ve been back to the gym. I got a 3 month membership.  Honestly, getting a membership was very nerve-wracking. It’s hard to know if it’s a ‘safe’ place where I can just be myself and not worry.

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SnapChat had a bunny sticker so I put it on there because I like bunnies, they are good luck.

I don’t know if they saw me as a man or a woman, but when I paid for my membership that ‘outed’ me as ‘female’ because my name hasn’t changed on my bank card yet(i finalized my name change at Social Security, I’ll be getting a card soon and then I’ll update my bank card and Drivers licence. I don’t use the locker rooms because the thought of it gives me anxiety. I’m getting more ambiguous every day, and even using the womens’ room causes me anxiety because I get a double-take now.  I still don’t look ‘man enough’ to feel safe to use the mens room, and I also need to get a STP soon. I used to wear a packer all the time, but in the summer it’s just so hot and uncomfortable. I plan on saving up to get a decent all in one packer.  I mostly don’t get noticed much at the gym, but the other day a few men were looking at me—gyms are highly gendered binary spaces, dominantly men are in the weights area, and women are on the cardio equipment or using the leg press. The way they looked at me was different than what I am used to—which is being perceived as a woman and being ‘checked out’.  The difference in this instance was I felt that they were looking at me to ‘figure me out’  like, not knowing ‘what’ I was.  I usually avert my eyes and stare at the ground and keep a ‘don’t fuck with me’ look on my face.   I’m really tired of feeling defensive all the time and looking pissed off all the time because I feel scared all the time around here.  The problem is that it’s keeping EVERYone away from me and I feel so alienated.

To be honest, I’ve been having a huge bout of existential post-college transition of everything in my life depression. I’ve been experiencing disassociate states and derealization where I feel like I literally leave my body.
I have the easiest job in the world, but I am so unhappy there now because I’m making less money than before college—it’s only part time, it’s really hard work, and i get paid once a month, and once i get that 500-600dollar paycheck it’s instantly gone because of medical bills.  My plan was to save up my money over the summer, but with medical expenses and food costs that’s been impossible.
But there is a silver lining. I got a call from my insurance and it will cover my Testosterone injections from now on! So that expense has lifted.

I still plan on applying to graduate school. There are a few colleges I have in mind, and I am trying my damnedest to study for the GRE…I just get so overwhelmed that I don’t know where to start and I get paralyzed.  But I’ll buckle down. I want to go to graduate school. I want to be a filmmaker/professor and have research published in journals.  As Dr. Frankenferter has said….don’t dream it, be it.

Next month I will get my liscence to be able to substitute teach high school and I’ll make decent pay that way. So that is something to look forward to.

I’m going through a really rough time right now so any positive vibes would be great. I feel as though I’m at a crossroads and so confused on what road to take now.

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Putting on a brave face

Until next time.

-RavnThor

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7 Months, 3 days

Hey!

 

(The last picture on the right is what I took 3 days ago)

Long time, no post!  It was a very intensely busy last couple of months. I graduated college, came out as medically transitioning, changed doctors, and switched to injections!

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(I graduated Magna Cum Laude with Iota Iota Iota Triota Womens and Gender Studies Honors, and LGBTQIA honors)

I’m now moved back in with my partner and am working at the job I was working previously before going to MSUM. I work at a historic site as a groundskeeper, 20hrs a week, 9/hr.  I get paid only once a month. I’m currently scouring for another job to add on to it.  I’m also finishing up my last class online with an Intro To Nutrition Class.

My plan is to take a year off to work and apply to graduate school.

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My last appointment with my previous doctor left me feeling rather…I don’t know…like he didn’t really care? Or cared enough to know what he was doing? My T levels had dropped exponentially, and he was seeing me and then having me do the blood test after—and not increasing much of the T.  It’s about 500bucks or more to see him since my insurance won’t cover this kind of healthcare (I hope that changes soon.) Plus buying the T gel was 72 dollars a month.  Suffice to say, I was feeling very dejected.  I don’t really look any different as you can see on the timeline.  My partner found out about a trans-healthcare clinic that is non-profit and sliding-pay-scale  in the Twin Cities.  The cost of Gas and going to that clinic is waaaaay cheaper than going to Sanford.  I started Injections last week and gave myself an injection this Monday. Monday’s are officially my shot days.  I’m looking forward to finally transitioning.  I was really nervous about giving myself shots, but it feels so natural–like it’s meant to be. My experience at Family Tree Clinic was so wonderful. I was treated with kindness and respect. I was around other Transmen and Trans-gender-non-conforming folks and they actually LISTENED to me.  It was so validating and affirming.  And the Nurse practitioner was so genuine and kind to me.  She grew up from my side of the prairie in Western NoDak, which was a really cool coincidence.

A trans-advocate named Damien told me that some transguys use Rogaine or generic brand on their face to encourage faster hair growth.  I decided to give it a shot and also take a biotin supplement.

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I’ll be sure to keep track of my progress and if it works.  I really am hoping to have some stubble by the end of the summer!

I’m looking forward to finally being done with school and take a small break for awhile. It took me 10 years to achieve my undergrad. I worked very hard to get here and I’m grateful.

Cheers to a good summer!

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Month 5 +1 wk + 3 days

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Photo Taken April 1st, 2016

 

 

Hey everyone,

A pretty big thing has happened during month 5 of my transition.  My lunar cycle has officially ended!  I no longer have that monthly flow of the goddess.

My voice has gotten a little bit lower and I’m getting a bit more body hair.

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It’s light colored, but to the touch it feels like real whiskers.

I’ve also changed my eating a bit.  It’s always been a goal of mine to eat more of a whole foods plant based diet.  I started eating quinoa everyday, and my craving for red meat has gone down exponentially.  I think it’s because quinoa has a full amino acid profile.  I’ve actually had a lot of fun making vegetarian recipes, and I think once I eat the rest of the fish and eggs I have in my apartment I may try full vegetarian—maybe even vegan.  My skin has started to clear up way more since I cut out chicken, dairy, and red meat.  I suppose it must be the hormones in the meat that gave me outbreaks.

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I still exercise at home.  It’s strange how last year I was obsessively going to the gym 7 days a week–I never let my body rest.  Now I exercise 3-4 times per week at home doing HIIT and resistant band training and bodyweight exercises.  My weight hasn’t changed from 131.  Before I started T, my weight was at 125.  So, in 5 months I gained only 6lbs.

 

The last 2 weeks I’ve experienced some really bad back, shoulder, and neck pain. It’s really hindered my ability to do HIIT and resistant band training.  I decided to try doing yoga and it’s really helped with pain management.  I’m allergic to Ibuprofen. Sometimes, the pain is so bad that I take it anyway–but later I have to deal with painful canker sores on my tongue. It’s not fun.  OTC pain pills are not the best option.  From now on, it’ll be stretching and tiger balm for me.

 

I have a little more of a month until graduation! I picked up my cap, gown, and honor cords.  I was also asked to speak at the Lavender Graduation.  It’s for LGBTQIA individuals in the Tri-college area, and I’m very honored to do so.

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I’m nervous and excited to reach the 6 month mark.  I had made a deal with myself that it would be on the 6th month I would officially come-out as medically transitioning.

One of the things that has been most difficult is how alienated I feel from the trans community.  I don’t see myself anywhere, I don’t look like other genderqueer/nonbinary/transmen. I know I know, who cares—-I just really don’t care for the gate-keeping gender-policing I’ve experienced from other transmen. That I should cut my hair or act ‘macho’ and sexist.  That says more about their insecurities, and I get that—but it sucks being a lone wolf without a pack when it comes to being a transgender man.  I’m not alone because I have my partner, but I need a welcoming community with other transmen who share my experiences too that I can get support from. I may try and initiate something when I move back, but I don’t have too much hope for Bismarck, ND.

I hope I start having visible facial hair soon.

Cheers,

Ravn Thor

 

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4 Months on T: Testosterone Boosting Foods and Grooming products

4months on T Feb 23

Taken Feb. 23rd, 2016

Hello everyone,

This week is my 4 month anniversary! Wow, time has certainly flown by. With this anniversary I was gifted with some sprouting facial and a fuzzier happy trial.

It’s hard to see on my face, but I feel it there(and I can see it too, it’s just very light) and it’s slowly but surely coming in. This month I’ve been doing lots of reading into Testosterone Boosting Foods and made a meal plan for myself. By making a meal plan, I had food that lasted me a few weeks with delicious left overs leaving me satisfied rather than a super hungry werewolf. I’m able to be better focused since I’m eating much better than I had been.

When I’m on the ball, my diet is a high protein, high healthy fat diet with plenty of complex carbs such as fruits and vegetables.

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I’ve started every day this week with a spoonful of coconut oil in my coffee. It tastes really good and I only use it in one cup. Lots of healthy fats!

Protein powered breakfasts


Fruit at bedtime

 

These meals have had leftovers to last all week.  I haven’t gained any significant weight this month, in fact I haven’t gained any at all. I’m still sitting at 131lbs. Before T, I was at 125lbs.  I wonder how much of the weight I’ve gained is muscle and how much is water weight.

Another interesting thing I’ve noticed is my shirts now fit differently. I seem to have filled out more. Particularily in my shoulders.

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Even though I’ve reached the 4 month mark, I still deal with dysphoria.  I wonder if that will ever go away.  I think it will(at least ease up), once I start growing facial hair.  I still don’t ever ‘pass.’  Usually what I do when I have a bad wave of it(dysphoria) is I talk to someone, exercise, cook, or take a long hot shower.

Sometimes, when using gender-affirming bath products, it helps me relax and feel better.  I know it might sound ridiculous, and I’m fully aware about how extreme some masculine marketed products can get, but this is one way for me to cope and it helps a little.

Here is an example of a workout I do at home. I apologize for how blurry it is–my webcam isn’t the greatest.

Body Weight workout at home

I have kept up with this routine pretty well this week.  It feels good to get back into the swing of it. I find that I’m sleeping better and I am doing better in school because my focus and concentration has increased.

Also, my voice is starting to drop ever so slightly.

Well, that’s it for now.  I hope there will be more to report in the next coming weeks!

 

-Ravn Thor

 

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