It’s been a roller coaster week for me. School stress has been bogging me down along with really intense body dysphoria. I really wish my depression would just go away…because it just doesn’t impact me but also my partner too because she’s the one who has to deal with me when I’m at my most low and most mean. =(
As far as changes go this week, not much. Except for some noticeable baby hair that’s starting to sprout on my face. They’re tiny and gold colored–very, very faint and unnoticable to other people. But my featured image does it justice. It’s coming in and it makes me feel slightly excited about what may happen when it finally darkens.
For lunches this week I’ve been sticking with some homemade chef salads and these nifty little lunch-to-go’s that are pretty tasty for the price. Under 2 bucks for 18g of protein. Pretty thrifty
I did set a goal this week and that was to be more social. I went out with a friend to Junkyard Brewery for some cheesy-movie trivia. We won two tickets for Grindflix in Fargo! Grindflix is a movie event at the local theater where they show grindhouse trailers. It’s a good time. I’m glad I reached that goal of going out once this week.
I also set aside time for some theraputic art. I took pictures of myself in a Steampunk persona and I’m seriously considering potentially forming a club when I’m done with college or maybe just make a web series about this characters adventures.
I’m still doing some end-of-semester scramble. Depression really saps my creative energy and I’ve been struggling so hard to come up with a final animation project idea. I’ve come up with something at least and will be going back home to shoot at The Former Governors Mansion. I have a lot of due dates coming up. I have 3 analysis papers due on Monday and a portfolio presentation on wednesday which is a presentation about my senior capstone project. So much stress.
I’ve been doing my best to keep eating healthily, but last night I caved in and binged on cupcakes and icecream. The night before that I was unwinding watching Bob’s Burgers and I suddenly got the worst craving for Dagwood sized sandwich. That appetite increase is real, holy cow! I was up for while looking at pictures of Dagwoods and drooling.
A couple times this week I managed to go to the gym. I’m a little worried because this week my thinking patterns were very familiar along the lines of my issues with disordered eating. I’m going to keep an eye on that. I also have a hard time looking in the mirror because I tend to see something else than what’s in front of me. I also deal with the frustration that the T isn’t working fast enough, and that feeling intensifies every time I’m called “Ma’am” or “she” and “her” and “lady” etc. It’s a very painful thing to happen. I think I look like a man, but society doesn’t see it that way yet, and being constantly invalidated and unrecognized and erased and disbelieved is very difficult and is a big part of my depression. I’m hoping that it will alleviate the more I am recognized as the man I am. People that are not transgender have often said to me, “It doesn’t matter what other people think! What matters is what you think and feel and see yourself!” Although the intention behind is ‘supposed’ to make me feel better, it doesn’t. They do not know what it’s like to never be seen and the very real pain of being denied your identity constantly. They get to live their lives affirmed every day while I am being denied, misunderstood, pathologized, stigmatized, and condemned. What cisgender people can do to really support a transgender person in their lives is to listen to their truths. That’s all I want. To be heard and be seen.
Depression is very difficult and I think that’s been the biggest struggle this week. I am hoping after this week I can take a breath. I do what I can to take time for self care and so that comes in the style of either healthy eating, exercise, or grooming.
I think I may sometime upload my film analysis papers onto this blog or I may make a separate blog all about film studies and my work.
Anyway, I’ll keep on keeping on. Things take time.
Wish me luck,