I’m in my 9th month of Testosterone in total! Two months on injections. The shots are getting easier to do.
First picture is of me at 8 Months and the Second one is at 9 Months.
Body Hair Report
I’ve been back to the gym. I got a 3 month membership. Honestly, getting a membership was very nerve-wracking. It’s hard to know if it’s a ‘safe’ place where I can just be myself and not worry.
I don’t know if they saw me as a man or a woman, but when I paid for my membership that ‘outed’ me as ‘female’ because my name hasn’t changed on my bank card yet(i finalized my name change at Social Security, I’ll be getting a card soon and then I’ll update my bank card and Drivers licence. I don’t use the locker rooms because the thought of it gives me anxiety. I’m getting more ambiguous every day, and even using the womens’ room causes me anxiety because I get a double-take now. I still don’t look ‘man enough’ to feel safe to use the mens room, and I also need to get a STP soon. I used to wear a packer all the time, but in the summer it’s just so hot and uncomfortable. I plan on saving up to get a decent all in one packer. I mostly don’t get noticed much at the gym, but the other day a few men were looking at me—gyms are highly gendered binary spaces, dominantly men are in the weights area, and women are on the cardio equipment or using the leg press. The way they looked at me was different than what I am used to—which is being perceived as a woman and being ‘checked out’. The difference in this instance was I felt that they were looking at me to ‘figure me out’ like, not knowing ‘what’ I was. I usually avert my eyes and stare at the ground and keep a ‘don’t fuck with me’ look on my face. I’m really tired of feeling defensive all the time and looking pissed off all the time because I feel scared all the time around here. The problem is that it’s keeping EVERYone away from me and I feel so alienated.
To be honest, I’ve been having a huge bout of existential post-college transition of everything in my life depression. I’ve been experiencing disassociate states and derealization where I feel like I literally leave my body.
I have the easiest job in the world, but I am so unhappy there now because I’m making less money than before college—it’s only part time, it’s really hard work, and i get paid once a month, and once i get that 500-600dollar paycheck it’s instantly gone because of medical bills. My plan was to save up my money over the summer, but with medical expenses and food costs that’s been impossible.
But there is a silver lining. I got a call from my insurance and it will cover my Testosterone injections from now on! So that expense has lifted.
I still plan on applying to graduate school. There are a few colleges I have in mind, and I am trying my damnedest to study for the GRE…I just get so overwhelmed that I don’t know where to start and I get paralyzed. But I’ll buckle down. I want to go to graduate school. I want to be a filmmaker/professor and have research published in journals. As Dr. Frankenferter has said….don’t dream it, be it.
Next month I will get my liscence to be able to substitute teach high school and I’ll make decent pay that way. So that is something to look forward to.
I’m going through a really rough time right now so any positive vibes would be great. I feel as though I’m at a crossroads and so confused on what road to take now.
Until next time.