Many things have happened since I last wrote. Many big changes.
I’ll start on the lighter stuff.
Transition-wise, I’m growing darker facial hair on my cheeks where lighter ones once were. Over time this vellus will turn terminal. My facial hair is definitely coming in. I even had to get a dinky little hair trimmer for my dinky little beard. Trimming it has made it look much neater, and I never felt so much joy than doing this kind of grooming.
Grooming has been a source of self care that I have found to be most relaxing and empowering. I had written before about my hair care regimen and I have added a few more quirks to the mix. I started doing an apple cider vinegar rinse and man oh man, does it make a huge difference. I have gotten so many compliments on my hair and people asking me what I do! I love sharing about my routine because it’s something they can do themselves with very little money—and their hair will be healthier!
I daydreamed about making my own product line called Wild Mane Grooming Co. and sell my wares at the local farmers market. So many ideas, so little time. It’s a daydream. In the meantime, I enjoy making leave-in conditioning oils, deep conditioning oils, beard oils, oil cleansers, and personalized cologne for my friends.
I enjoy getting compliments that I smell good and that I look healthy. The security guard at work really liked my after-shave and said that it smelled amazing and not over-powering at all, but very perfect. He even came in close to breath it in, lol. O_O;;;; awkward. ;;>.>
Work is going well. My supervisor gave me a very big compliment that left me speechless. He said that the way I run and handle things are the future of Churches United, and that he wants the way I and my roommate deal with things to be the way it’s done there. This has caused a bit of a rift with some of the other advocates, but change is always hard. Ian and I don’t take an authoritarian approach to the clients, we meet them where they are at and follow a standard of compassion and understanding through a trauma-informed practice. It works and it keeps people off the street. A little respect, kindness, and understanding goes a long way. This isn’t to say that we let clients walk all over us, we keep good boundaries and are assertive when we need to be. It’s working, the clients like us and respect us, we work with them and they work with us. I feel very happy with this job, and it even has dental and healthcare benefits. I’m holding on to this job as long as I can.
I added some more movies to my dvd collection. Big sale at the bookstore last week.
So….for the heavy, heavy stuff…
“But you can’t jump the track, we’re like cars on a cable,
And life’s like an hourglass, glued to the table.
No one can find the rewind button, now,
So cradle your head in your hands,
And breathe… just breathe
There’s a light at each end of this tunnel,
You shout ’cause you’re just as far in as you’ll ever be out
And these mistakes you’ve made, you’ll just make them again
If you’d only try turning around.
After 6 years, my relationship has moved into a new phase. We are no longer together. I made the decision. I don’t want to talk about it too much, and I could never ever speak ill of her, she is the most important, influential, significant person in my life, and I owe so much to her. But we’re both at different phases in this life, and I’ve been working on it for over a year and for the sake of my health I just need to be alone right now. I’m having some sort of identity crisis and my intuition has been telling me that i need to walk alone at this time. I don’t ever want to think of her as an EX, because to me she is not. She is my friend. She is my dear, dear, special friend. And our relationship is just in a different phase now, like the phases of the moon. I hope now we can both heal. I’ve never been the one to end a relationship, this is a huge change for me. This is a major change. And growth. And both of these things are so painful.
This song by Anna Nalick was what was playing through my head this week. It’s one of my break-up songs. I had mentioned in previous entries that I have difficulty crying. And this song, this song allowed me to have the most healing cry that I’ve been needing so long. It’s so beautiful. It’s so vulnerable. It’s so perfect. It’s just….please just listen to it.
And because I’m vulnerable and healing, here are a few more songs that have been getting me through this week. I don’t care what anyone thinks of these songs. These are for me.
I’m just trying to be the
Best me I can be
Oh when I fall down
It’s just me and the grounds
I am no king
I have no throneI need a little room to breathe
Falling from the western shore to find yourselves alone again,
Wondering where you have been, Your lonely voice calls
across the starlit coast, Reaching out to be seen.She cries your name,
three times again,
She cries your name,
How long can this love remain.
I want to heal,
I want to feel,
What I thought was never real
I want to let go of the pain I felt so long (Erase all the pain ’til it’s gone)
I want to heal,
I want to feel,
Like I’m close to something real
I want to find something I’ve wanted all along
Somewhere I belong
Pain is a warning that something’s wrong
I pray to God that it won’t be long
Do ya wanna go higher?There’s nothing left to try
There’s no place left to hide
There’s no greater power
Than the power of good-bye
Okay…this is all for now. I can’t be a mess before I go to work.
Until next time, new moon blessings.