I’ve been really enjoying my week off. I even turned down some extra days of work this week because I needed a break. Working all those hours last week really pushed me to the limit. As much as I like my job, it can be very stressful at times when there are some very difficult and threatening clients.
I know to remain objective and not take anything personally because of where many of these clients are at. However, when there is a client that is agitated, 6ft and over 250lbs calling you names and stalking menacingly around the building, punching walls, and yelling, there are steps to take to ensure ones safety as well as that clients safety and the safety of the other clients in the home. And also to make sure it does not escalate. Honestly, he really shouldn’t be there and probably should be hospitalized because he’s gotten progressively worse. But anyway, I digress. I maintained control of the situation, but I felt my instincts tell me not to turn my back to the door or to him and to remain calm. I felt threatened for my safety, however, and it has made work especially draining and very stressful. I continued to treat the client with respect, and did not react to his attempt to intimidate me, but I remained composed and vigilant, noticing everything. For the remainder of the week I decided one way to keep myself safe was to dress the part.
It’s probably laughable, but there’s a reason cat’s hair stand up when they are angry and ready to pounce and defend territory. There’s a reason a Roosters feathers get ruffled. There’s a reason a King Cobra billows out his majestic back.
There’s reason for when in the animal kingdom some creatures will puff themselves up in some way to either bluff or to say, “Don’t fuck with me.” I wore my steel-toe Doc Martens, Norse Heavy Metal Shirt, and Camo pants. I know I look ridiculous, but it actually worked. This client did not mess with me or try to intimidate me any more. I still treated him the way I had been, but I pushed out the vibe of, “I’m in charge. Don’t fuck with me.” I work again this weekend, and since my shirts have gotten tighter around my arms, my muscles show more, so hopefully it will be a calm weekend.
My cutting phase is really wroking. I’ve cut 3lbs of fat so far, and I’m getting stronger. I’m lifting heavier, and my workouts have been very intense and gratifying. It’s so exciting to be reaching these goals. However, today, I think I over-did it because I’m spent. I feel very drained. And towards the end of my sets I just wasn’t feeling it. I also haven’t been sleeping well. These are red flags of over-training. So I’m going to take a week to recover.
Acne is really starting to clear up. I am really surprised at how much the medicine I’m using is working.
As far as cooking adventures go, I’m experimenting with curing egg yolks!
mix of coarse kosher salt, turbinado sugar, and a smokey herby blend of spices. Looking forward to having these on salads and soups.
This is a little TMI and kind of embarrassing.
So, before I started T, I had zero sex drive due to severe depression and dysphoria. That drive just wasn’t there, and it was devastating–that feeling of being alive was gone. No drive for food. No drive for sex. Since I started T, my drive has come back. In a lot of ways I understand that T does that, but I also know that before my fall into depression I had a healthy sex drive, and so I believe that T has helped me feel at home with myself and alleviating that dysphoric depression. My sex drive is mine. Lately, however, it’s become very….in over-drive let’s say. I never been one to watch pornography, and for awhile I had not done so in quite a long time. Then I’d watch a little here or there. Now it’s like I watch it every night on top of a couple times during the day. I masturbate 4-6 times a day. It’s gotten excessive and honestly I’m drained. It’s combined with over-exercise. It’s like my life force is exhausted. I have other things I want to be doing. I’ve been playing with the idea of not masturbating or watching porn for a week. I’m conflicted, because on one hand, masturbation is healthy. It relieves stress. But on the other hand it’s gotten to the point of disrupting my life. I also am concerned of becoming addicted to porn. I was watching it last night and felt really, really bored with it. Like getting desensitized. I don’t see anything wrong with watching porn, but for me personally I don’t like having my desires manipulated, and I don’t like the passivity of watching a fantasy I did not create myself. If I am able to have the discipline to workout at the gym 5 days a week, I can have the discipline to control my drive. I can channel this energy into other things and perhaps doing more creative projects.
So that’s it for my weekly update that I can think of.
Until next time,